My Story

[positivenegative]

In March of 2009 I was diagnosed antibody positive. My life went to pieces and I didn't go back for the confirmatory result because I didn't want to be known. A month later I went to another clinic in another town and was tested antibody negative twice with a Unigold and Oresure test.

One month later I went to yet another clinic in another state just to make sure I was ok but stupidly I believe I mentioned my back and forth test and was given an Eliza and Western blot which tested positive.

Subsequently the clinician was surprised that my RNA viral count was at 1316 with a CD4 count at 850. One month later I got a new RNA count at 220. These results were helpful but confusing to say the least especially in the face of a replicating deadly virus.

Much to my dismay I have not been to any doctor since June 09 with the exception of a naturopathic physician who is well informed and keeps a balanced dissident view. Presently my health is excellent.

Since the beginning of my diagnosis I have been on self crash course in almost every subject and angle I could possibly take on the subject of hiv and aids mostly using the internet but also reading many books. I have also had many careful conversations with professionals, scientists, health workers, hiv positives and full blown aids patients.

I have learned for example when I asked a clinician if hiv/aids a gay disease he retorted that half of the people he sees are hiv positive and indeed heterosexual. However, when I asked how many of those heterosexuals are drug addicts the clinician responded almost all of them.

I believe I have a good head on my shoulders and intellectually I understand and align myself with the dissident community but I must admit my biggest hurdle has been my emotions and feelings of despair and loneliness.

For twenty plus years I have raised money, volunteered, held hands of people dieing to "AIDS" and even have been employed by a top HIV/AIDS organization performing surveys in the early nineties.

In other words I have been thoroughly processed by the "orthodoxy" for a very long time and it has been a battle within my emotional psyche to know what I know given my own personal experience of back and forth results. Especially against the back drop of the mainstream AIDS campaign that I believe is mostly wrong or in the very least more denialist than the accusation of denialism by the mainstream toward the dissidents.

It's a shame to me that the mainstream thinking occurs as diabolical to me even though I also understand that sincere individuals within the industry believe they are helping people. I proceed cautiously because it's clear to me that the hiv/aids conversation exist more in language than it does in science or what is supposedly defined as "science".

I am writing here because I'm reaching out. Given all the controversy I admit my diagnosis has been life changing. In the few years before my diagnosis I also admit I was a wanderer and mostly focused on having fun. I was a hedonist. I played safe but in the last couple of years I took more and more risks and technically I shouldn't be surprised by the test results.

Of course I want to live without a diagnosis over my life but suffice to say my life is on a more stable track personally and professionally even though I do feel like I'm learning life all over. Maybe I'm learning to live life for the first time. Life has been "fun" but I'm paying the price now of catching up financially and I have a long way to go.

I'm stubborn and impatient but I also want to make something of my life. I've got a good stable job and I'm following some very good health practices including dealing with oxidative stress. My nutrition is excellent and my health is in good shape. I have no complaints except that I'm a loner and somewhat paranoid because I'm living mostly in secret with the exception having a few trusted out-of-town friends who know what I'm going through.

I'm impressed by this website and I look forward to engaging others in friendly conversation. I want to live as healthy as possible and create a happy life. I would also like to find a companion that is in my similar situation.

We'll see how this goes.

Enough for now.

[Brian Carter]

Greetings Mr Positive/negative.......

We thank you for your informative sharing of some of your history.

The great part is; you no longer need to be a loner. Your mere coming here signals a desire to help others? Am I right?

But I thank you mostly for having the courage to question, to break out of the little box that AIDS built, and to posses a kind of understanding far beyond the reach of most of the myriad of masses still believing in such nonsense.

Welcome home!

Brian

[positivenegative]

Thanks for the kind welcome.

Most of my life I've been very social but over the last year and a half I've slipped out of my normal social circles. I really do feel like I'm starting my life from scratch and I'll just deal with my past with my old friendships as it arises in due time.

As for helping others, yes, I do want to help others but I'm not comfortable "coming out" as positive because I don't want to have to deal with what I prefer to call voodoo pyschology. HIV/AIDS really does feel like a religion and I don't want the stress of arguement or debate and of course being stigmatized not only for being "positive" but also as an ungrateful denialist.

Paradoxically of course I have stress holding it all inside but I think for now it's the better to lay low. However, my circumstance does not stop me from being a compassionate questioner. It amazes me when I ask a positive or aids patient why a t-cell is called a t-cell. It's simple really, and I believe it explains why happy people stay healthy.

Recently I was asked what my status was and replied I didn't know. When asked further and was encouraged to get tested I said I believed the tests were not dependable or accurate based on the information available so it wasn't important for me to get tested.

My comment gave me enough response that suredly impressed upon me how sensitive and powerfully people are programmed to believe in the mainstream hiv/aids hypothesis.

I would be interested in any comments anyone has about coming out as positive and being open while facing being the target of hateful comments as if I'm betraying the "community" and all the good efforts of the mainstream medical industry.

If I could procure a fake identification I would almost consider checking myself in so I could recieve some benefits, namely, general medical attention but I really don't want to sacrifice my identity and live a lifestyle of being hiv positive.

It's not fair that I have to give so much up so I can recieve a free massage or other basic health benefits. The money would be nice too but I've never been a welfare case per se. I was on food stamps for short while when I hit a hard spot years ago but thankfully I got myself back on my feet again.

It does make me jealous that I witness many gay men who have all their bills paid as they seeminlgy live stress free unemployed lives. Especially to those men who already had careers but for whatever reason they trade it all in for the welfare $ystem; "when you get a doctor for hiv you get a doctor for everything else."

If I could have a fraction of their help I believe I would be able to be much more useful and useful to others but it's a catch-22. I just can't bring myself to signing my life over to the system. There's no way I would "lead a life of quiet de$peration" but I often think about it in weak moments.

The mental part of this path is the worse even though my intellect tells me different. It's the ultimate in mental conflict and it tires me out. Even if I got a new test and a "negative" result I believe I'd still be affected having gone through the wringer.

It breaks my heart to see so many young people before they even get their adult lives started having to deal with the industry without hardly any knowledge of history and the controversy that ensues but hopefully soon the dissident movement will make faster head way and more and more people will wake up and say no more.

But it's not going to be easy. I feel like I'm in a foxhole and I'm scared to come out. Not that I even want to but suffice to say I do hope I can live a happier life without being so god damned pre-occupied with this issue.

Enough for now.

P.S. Is there a way to be able to stay signed on to this website? It purges me after a very short while and I have to keep signing on again and again.

[positivenegative]

Originally Posted by Brian Carter

Greetings Mr Positive/negative.......

We thank you for your informative sharing of some of your history.

The great part is; you no longer need to be a loner. Your mere coming here signals a desire to help others? Am I right?

But I thank you mostly for having the courage to question, to break out of the little box that AIDS built, and to posses a kind of understanding far beyond the reach of most of the myriad of masses still believing in such nonsense.

Welcome home!

Brian

To Brian:

I'm not accustomed to blogging. I replied to your message but it looks like I posted it to myself. I just want to make sure you got my response.

[G Man]

Originally Posted by positivenegative

I would be interested in any comments anyone has about coming out as positive and being open while facing being the target of hateful comments as if I'm betraying the "community" and all the good efforts of the mainstream medical industry.

Well, I've been accused of disrespecting all the people who have ever died of AIDS, being a 'conspiracy theorist', selling out the gay community, and 'throwing my life away'. That's just for starters, and the accusers were so called 'friends' of mine.

I can tell you from experience that thinking for yourself, dissidence, or whatever you want to call it is a tough road when it comes to HIV/AIDS, but on the other hand it is rewarding to know you did the right thing and looked at the subject in more detail and thoughtfulness than 99% of people who are diagnosed with this do. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I honestly don't think I'd be alive today if I'd just gone along like everybody else and fully bought into the mainstream view.

To borrow a quote from Einstein, "The important thing is to not stop questioning". And anyone who has the guts to question HIV/AIDS in spite of all the hardship it causes is certainly considered a friend in my book. Welcome!!

[positivenegative]

Thanks for your response and welcome.

I'm not going to change a thing but it does nerve me that there isn't more gray area. It's a shame that anyone has to be so damn careful with what they say in the face of medical and social professionals for simply needing help.

I've always been a questioner and somewhat defiant but never because I want to cause trouble for the sake of causing trouble. I just hate how the system works and it's not fair. It's not suited for genuine care and help.

Everywhere I look in western culture, and in particular American culture, it mostly all reminds me of a Punch and Judy show. It always a fight of us against them, the good guys and the bad guys, right and wrong, Republican or Democrat, gay/straight, creationists and atheists, agreeing or disagreeing, whatever.

One of my favorite quotes is, "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is field. I'll meet you there."

When I tested negative twice on the same visit after I had tested positive a month earlier I was relieved but when I got tested positive again in a major city I was amazed by the red carpet that was rolled out before me.

If I had any other disease in the world ie. diabetes, cancer, Parkinson's, whatever, I'd be on my own. The very idea that everything was going to be rolled out and taken care of was offensive to me.

It was creepy too how I was met with professional grins from ear to ear in the spirit of kindness while they maintained that I had a deadly disease. Of course when I questioned all of what was happening the next push was to send me to a psychological department where I could take all the necessary psyche drugs to deal with the depression and anxiety.

When I refused and went back to the clinic where I got the results I was ordered to sign a document with a list of rules that dictated my behavior. Stuff like not raising my voice and not approaching workers outside the office. Nevertheless I had not committed any of these sins, thus far, and yet they wanted me to sign this document before seeing the doctor.

I signed it proforma and then they rescheduled my appointment again for the third time as I was proving to be difficult. They were so insistent that I needed psychological help before they could officially help me. Of course I assert now that they wanted me subdued enough so they could inoculate me with a variety of vaccines and whatever else they would prescribe.

I walked out of that office never to come back. They wanted to help me but on their terms and I just couldn't handle it. I would ask questions and my worker would just get all cute and tell me that I was thinking too much and that I really had no idea of how they were indeed trying to help me.

I felt like I was at a Scientology seminar but a hundred times worse. It was clear to me that I represented another statistic and the federal money that went along with it notwithstanding, their probable sincere desire to help me.

Regardless, it's not that I don't think there is something that people get sick and die of because I have been at the bedside of friends who are no longer here but in those days it's clear that AZT was the culprit and/or an illicit drug lifestyle along with other lifestyle issues too.

I just want to be rid of the emotional and mental pre-occupation of this subject matter. Anyone reading this should seriously consider never being tested. If you do, go to another city because no matter how anonymous or confidential it is...it's not!

Meaning I actually ran into the first person who gave me my positive result at a gathering where I did not know we had mutual acquaintances. Even though I may rely on their professionalism it is nevertheless a very vulnerable situation since I choose not to come out and embrace my new found diagnosis.

I would also recommend that if you choose to get tested to not come back and get the confirmatory result if you test positive. Go somewhere else and make sure you don't answer their questions. If the test is so accurate then they don't need to ask questions for data purposes.

I digress but suffice to say I don't trust the process and I personally know people that do and I don't have a problem with people taking drugs or whatever. However, if asked I would probably feign my knowledge in such a way to raise the questioning bar to see what their response is.

After all, I do have back door excuses why I may have the knowledge I do even though most negative people have no idea what they are in for if they ever test positive.

[G Man]

Just know that there are people here who understand EVERY WORD of what you just said, you are not alone.

[positivenegative]

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Now I wish for more people would rise to the occasion and share their story especially stories of back and forth results including up and down viral load and cd4 counts without medication.

[Brian Carter]

Originally Posted by positivenegative

I'm not accustomed to blogging.

Are you sure about that? From the looks of it, boy I'd guess otherwise...

[positivenegative]

@ Brian Carter I'm writing that's all. "Blogging" is new to me.

It's just fancy email to me with a bunch a gadgets I know not why to use yet.

That image you included is depressing. That's not me. How about you?

I must admit though that I've been in the closet with no one to talk to except for a few people in my life and they are mostly removed from the subject matter. Questioning Aids website is a link I've never had before and I'm long over due to get my thoughts out on such a website. Hence, my enthusiasm for writing and sharing.